Movie Review: Twilight
So I’ve always been an equal-opportunity mocker. Be it bad books, bad music, bad movies, bad video games… I make fun of them all, and I do it without so much as batting an eyelash at the fanboys and fangirls that I might piss off. However, even I have my standards; if I’m going to make more than a passing joke here or there off of what I have heard, I force myself to partake in the suckage in the name of getting accurate material. That, combined with a lot of boredom, led me to watch Twilight.
Two hours later… and I’ve got a lot of material.
First, of course, I’m going to go into the bad. There was someone, I can’t remember who, that compared Kristen Stewart to Keanu Reeves… and it fits painfully well. From their facial features to the almost corpselike delivery of her lines, Bella’s entire being just falls flat and is undoubtedly the worst part of the movie. This movie could’ve been something almost decent had her performance not been as dead as the Cullens supposedly are. Most of the supporting actors fall under this same category; beyond Alice’s actress (who does a pretty good job of portraying what I have heard is a quirky character), the rest of the vampiric clan seems stilted. The evil vampires suffer from the opposite; they overdo their roles and ultimately come off as campy instead of as the scary monsters in human skins that they were supposed to be.
In contrast – and probably because of some of his own talent as well as how he compared to the rest of the cast – Robert Pattinson actually does a pretty good job of bringing Edward Cullen to life. Were it not for how a vampire sparkling in the sun makes me want to gouge out my eyes and run screaming into the sunset, I would’ve actually enjoyed the character. For all that Stephanie Meyers fell flat in creating a heroine, the hero (if you want to call him that) is actually a decently complex character that would’ve been thoroughly enjoyed if it wasn’t for the almost stalker way he behaves in the beginning. I get liking to watch one’s lover sleep, I really do… but doing that before you’ve been accepted as someone’s partner? Tres creepy.
Now, as for what else they get right; the director and production crew chose a really pretty part of Washington to serve as their backdrop. As someone that grew up in a small town surrounded by the woods, I can appreciate a pretty clearing… and there’s plenty of those. The special effects are also done well, as are the little interactions in the high school scenes – Bella being bullied a little was even done right. As has seemingly become the norm with shitty action/supernatural movies, the best thing about Twilight… is the soundtrack. Paramore’s songs are especially awesome, with Collective Soul and Blue Foundation both contributing solid songs. There’s also Muse, Linkin Park (a non-emo song, no less!), Iron & Wine, Perry Farrell… and, oddly enough, Robert Pattinson’s contributions actually don’t suck!
In closing, while I don’t want those two hours of my life back, I wouldn’t go out of my way to watch this movie again. I was admittedly shocked to find that there was actually something worth praising amongst this sparkly pile of bullshit. When the other movies in this quartet make their way onto the internet, I will probably give them a once-over just to see what comes next. Will Kristen Stewart learn to act? Only time will tell.
Oh, and before you ask… no, I don’t plan on reading the books. While I’m crazy, I’m not that crazy. This is a series that is best taken in, I think, via film instead of overflowing purple text.
